06 What 1 Peter 3:1–7 Teaches About Wives, Husbands, and Submission

Krisan Marotta: Welcome to the Wednesday in the Word podcast. I'm Krisan Marotta, and this is the sixth talk in our series on the book of 1 Peter. Well, today we hit 1 Peter chapter 3, verses 1 through 7. We're going to continue on the theme of submission. This is a concept that Peter introduced back in 2.11 and he's continuing it. But he now he turns his attention to husbands and wives, well, particularly to wives, and people find that offensive. And I think it's largely offensive because people take it out of context. Although the concepts of submission is often confusing today because we have a hard time figuring out why God would tell anyone to submit to any other human being. There's a sense in which we we don't understand why God wouldn't just say, you know, you follow me and forget what anyone else says. The concept of submitting seems strange to us. So just to review, so far he's given us two reasons why we shouldn't submit to others. And the challenge, or one of the interpretive questions of this passage is figuring out which one of these is applying, which one of the reasons he's given us applies in this situation. So the first reason he gave us to submit is that God wants me to submit to those who have a rightful authority over me. Or a rightful authority over me. Since Jesus is my King of kings and Lord of Lords, it is right for me to recognize him and to submit to his authority. So he says, this is so, and I believe him. He says, Do this, this is right, this is wrong, and I say, Yes, I agree. That's not the kind of authority we're talking about here. In this life, other human beings have a limited authority that God calls me to recognize and submit to. Limited being the operative word. And we see this every day. So in a company, the president must answer to the board of directors. If the board makes a policy, then the president is obligated to follow it. He submits to their authority in that sense. An employee is subject to the decisions of his boss and must act in accordance with company policy and the decisions his boss has made. In many churches, the pastors are subject to the authority of the session. So if the session says this is how we will conduct business here, then the pastor is obligated to conduct church business accordingly. Now in some churches, it may be the congregation who has a final authority. But in each of those cases, we recognize that someone is in a position of responsibility, and that responsibility has authority attached to it, and we recognize that God has put that person in our lives in that authority structure, and we are to respect it. And responsibility and authority go hand in hand. God wants me to be a moral person. Part of being a moral person is respecting the authority figures in my life. So those people in authority have a responsibility in a particular area or situation that I do not. They will be held accountable for how well they exercise that responsibility. And as a believer, I am not to hinder them or sabotage them as they seek to fulfill their responsibility. Recognizing the responsibility my boss has and submitting to it, even if I think I could do a better job, may be the right thing to do. Well, it is the right thing to do, and it's also the loving thing to do. So what we've seen so far is Peter has discussed the citizen to his government and the slave to his master. And we can recognize in both those cases, the government and the master have a limited authority over someone because they're in a position of responsibility. So that raises the question. Now he turns to wives, and is he saying the husband has that same kind of authority and responsibility before God? So does he have a responsibility before God that gives him a limited measure of authority in the marriage? And that's the controversial part in our culture. I believe the answer to that question is yes, but I also think the concept of husbandheadship is widely misunderstood and just not taught well. I do think the Bible teaches that the husband in a limited way has a unique responsibility in the marriage and will be held accountable for the marriage in a way the wife will not, and the wife is called to recognize that authority. I'm not really going to talk about what that is or why or how we come to that conclusion. Headship is not really our topic. I do have several talks on the concept of husbandheadship on my website, which is Wednesdayintheword.com. You can find that discussed in any of the series we have on biblical marriage. There's at least two different ones, or my talk on Ephesians 5 in particular. But I'm not going to cover headship today because I don't think that's really what Peter is talking about. So the first reason Peter might call us to submit to someone is because they have a limited authority over me in a particular arena or situation. The second reason God might ask me to submit to someone is what we might call the love your enemy or the turn the other cheek reason. So there are times when I am called not to revile even when I am being reviled. There are times when I'm called not to fight back when I'm being attacked. In that situation, I refrain from responding, not because you did the right thing, if you're the other person in the situation, and not because you have authority or responsibility I'm submitting to. And so I want to communicate, even though you are mistreating me, even though what you're doing is wrong, I still respect you as a person and I still care about your welfare. And I am trusting God to vindicate me in the end. So I'm trusting God that there are more important things than me getting my fair shake or me being treated fairly, that there are things in this world that will pass away, and right now it's more important for me to communicate the mercy and grace of God than it is to claim my rights. So I'm a sinner that's been shown mercy. I'm now showing mercy to you. I'm acting in a way you don't deserve to show you some of the mercy that I receive from God. So I'm not submitting because you are right and just. In fact, it may be just the opposite. However, I am trying to communicate, I serve God and I love you sacrificially. So the question is, which of those two types is Peter depending on here when he addresses wives? I think it's the second. I think it's the turn the other cheek, love your enemy kind of submission, because his first two examples were the second. He's writing to people who are being persecuted, and he's calling them to think about what their response communicates to those persecuting them. So did the citizen living under a pagan government is was his first example, and the slave who works is working for an unjust master is his second. In both those previous examples, he's writing to people who are stuck in a binding social situation, a relationship they can't escape from. And I think Peter is appealing to that same kind of issue here with wives. And his advice is the same in all the three examples he gives us. See, basically he's saying, you are aliens and strangers in this world. This world is not your home. You're focused on this living hope that we talked about in chapter one. You're called to live in a hostile, unbelieving world. And whenever possible, you should show the unbelievers around you that you are a person of virtue by behaving in a submissive and respectful way. Okay, so let's look at the passage. We're going to just walk right through it. 1 Peter 3, verses 1 and 2. Likewise, so, just as we saw with slaves and masters, just as we saw with the government, likewise, wives be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see their respectful and pure conduct. So right off the bat he says, These husbands do not obey the word. They are disobedient to the word. So we don't know exactly what their behavior is, but whatever it is it is, it is contrary to the word of God. Contrary to the way God would call a husband to love his wife. I suspect the husband is not a believer, but in either case his behavior is wrong. And I don't think Peter's saying submit because he has every right to boss you around. He says submit so that you might win him to God. This is the kind of submission that is voluntarily giving up my rights for the sake of another, for communicating to that person, I'm a believer, I'm a person of character because of my faith in God, and it's worth your while to consider that faith. So I have embraced this faith, and you can see that faith by the grace that I am showing you, which you do not deserve. So as he says in 3-2, when they see you're respectful and pure conduct, literally that's fear, in fear, pure conduct, or pure conduct done in fear. I don't he's not telling them to be afraid of their husbands in 3-2, because in 3-6 he said turns right around and says, Don't be afraid. Instead, I think he's saying, Well, three times in the book he's used this phrase, conduct yourself in fear in the face of unjust treatment. And in each case, he's talking about the way we respond to another person. So he's not talking about how you fear God. I mean, that is one possible meaning. Conduct yourself in fear of God and pure conduct. That could be what he's saying, but three times he's taught us this in the face of unjust treatment. So in one seventeen, he said, And if you call on him as Father, who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile. And then in two eighteen, servants be subject to your masters with all respect, that's the same phrase, in fear, not only to the good and the gentle, but also to the unjust, and then here in three, two, when they see you're respectful or in fear and pure conduct. I think he's talking about respect or deference, the kind of fear or honor you give to someone who has some measure of authority. In each case, I think he's talking about respect or deference, the kind of fear or honor I would give to someone else in a social setting. So fear to whom fear is due, honor to whom honor is due. There are people who are appropriate for me to fear in the sense of honor and respect. So what's Peter telling the wife to do? What's his advice? I think this is the same theme he's been talking about all along. The issue is being an alien and a stranger in the world. A Christian wife may find herself thinking quite differently than her unbelieving husband. How should she handle that? Now remember, the culture he's speaking to is different than our own. Wives in the Roman Empire had way fewer legal rights than their husbands. The man had clear power over the entire household, and in many ways his wife held a position that was similar to that of a servant. And there's a sense in which you could picture her as the most important servant in the house. The cultural expectation was that she would take care of and run the household, that her husband would be in control of how they lived, where they lived, what they did, what and what religion would be practiced in the household. She was expected to reflect well on him. She was to be modest and faithful, respectful and industrious. So by choosing to go against the family religion, by claiming faith in Christ, she is upsetting the family apple cart. So she is already at odds with her husband on a very important issue. And Peter's saying, in that situation, conduct yourself in such a way that your faith is not equated to rebellion and disrespect. He's saying, you're gonna have to push the envelope because of your faith, but don't push it beyond what's necessary due to faith. Now, the situation could be, you know, they could have reached an impasse. He could have heard her proclamation of faith, rejected it, said, I don't buy it, I don't want to hear any more about it, the subject's closed. And I think Peter would say, if you can't communicate with words, then communicate without words. Be the respectful wife that your husband and society expects. Take care of the home without complaint, submit where you can submit. She can't submit to his religious beliefs, but she can communicate. I'm still interested in being a good wife. So the goal is to use the means of communication open to her. And that's been true in all the examples Peter's given us. So the Christian citizen can help quiet the slander that's being the slander he's facing by being respectful citizens. The Christian slave can earn a hearing with an unjust master by respectfully fulfilling his responsibilities. The Christian wife can win her husband by acting as a respectful and morally upright wife. So all three are in situations where they're being treated unfairly. All three are to communicate, even though we're at odds because of my faith, I am not your enemy. I have not abandoned you, I have not rejected you. So Peter goes on in three verses three and four. Do not let your adorning be external, the braiding of the hair, the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. Now this may seem like a non sequitur, but I think he's still on the same topic. The last sentence ended with the husband observing and watching his wife. He's noticing what she's doing, how she's doing it. And as history can attest, women have often used physical beauty as a way of securing the goodwill of men. But Peter's saying there's more significant and important adornment going on here. That adornment, that adornment which is more significant, is that which starts in the heart that trusts God and shows itself in a gentle and quiet spirit. So she's trusting God rather than being contentious. She's not reviling when being reviled, she's not attacking when being attacked, she's not mocking him or ridiculing his unbelief. And it's all done in the hopes that he can't help but notice there's something attractive about this new faith. So she may have gone against him in terms of the family religion, but she is still being respectful and peaceful, peaceable in her faith. And Peter says this kind of spirit is precious in the sight of God. Why? He goes on to explain in five and six. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves by submitting to their own husbands. As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, and you or her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. So the topic is still adorning yourself and how you adorn yourself, and the issue is in what way are you trying to get your husband's attention? Is it outward physical beauty only, or is it something else? It ought to be that gentle faith, the quiet spirit of contentment and peace and the peace of Christ that you have because you are trusting in your Savior. Now, in Abraham's time, Lord was a usual way for a wife to address her husband. It doesn't have to refer to the a divine person. It was much closer to the way we would use the word sir today. It was a gesture of respect. So for Sarah to call Abraham Lord was simply a common term of respect. What Peter is not saying is that Sarah knew that God's eternal commandment was that all wives should call their husbands Lord and always obey their husbands no matter what they say or do. That is not what he's saying. I also don't think he's saying that Sarah and Abraham's marriage is a model for what every Christian marriage should look like. Rather, he's giving Sarah as a model of a woman who hoped in God and then concludes you become like her if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. So he looks at Sarah as a model of a woman of faith in the midst of her marriage. She was willing to submit to Abraham's limited husband authority without fear because her true trust was in God. And Abraham was not always trustworthy. He didn't always do the right thing. I don't know if Peter has this in mind, but the most striking bit of submission we see in Scripture is the two times, two, not one, but two times, Abraham said to Sarah, look, I'm afraid someone is, if they find out you're my wife, they're gonna kill me and take you, so pretend you're my sister. And Sarah agrees with that, and what happens both times is that another man takes her, and both times God has to rescue her from that dangerous position that Abraham put her in. Well, that indicates to me that Peter would not think Abraham and Sarah had the perfect ideal Christian marriage, but that Sarah was a godly woman who faced unjust treatment, even difficult and dangerous treatment, and she submitted to it because ultimately she trusted God. And she didn't fear because she knew her redeemer. The comparison then is that being a Christian wife to an unbelieving husband in the Roman Empire is a very fearful thing. Because the husband had all the power, he had all the rights, he held all the legal cards, and he could truly make her life a living hell. I think Peter is acknowledging this is a hard road to walk, just like the slave with an unjust master is a hard road. The citizen in a pagan government that is out to get them is a hard road. These situations are very scary places to be. So I don't think Peter's endorsing first century Roman marriage practices, just like he wasn't endorsing slavery or persecution by the government. Rather, he's saying these you these are situations you may find yourself in. In fact, you're likely to face them. And if you're if you have to face them, here's what you should do: live out your faith. Communicate with your behavior that you love God and respect the person who's mistreating you. It is that faith in God that is precious. Now, every one of us, whether we're married or not, may be called upon to trust God in a situation where someone else is treating us badly. We may be called to turn the other cheek or to show mercy or respect when someone is not actually being respectful, and we are to trust God that he will vindicate us in the end. And Sarah was a model of that kind of faith in just such a situation. He finishes this section then by turning to the husbands. I think at this point he's talking to Christians' husbands about how they should treat their wives. In 3.7, he says, Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. He is not saying, Oh, treat her as an equal when she know we all know she really isn't. In fact, I think this is a powerful statement of just the opposite. He's not saying, Oh, you know, she's somewhat defective, so be nice to her. Remember, he's just told her not to fear with any fear. Her situation is vulnerable. She is in one of those places where she has to respect someone who has limited authority over her over her, and that is a weaker position to be in. Being under someone else's authority is a weaker position. He is in the stronger position, and that he has more social power, more legal power, and more social standing than she does. So I don't think he's referring to physical strength or strength of character. He's talking to a person who's called to submit to a human authority, and that's a weaker position to be in. So he's hit saying, husbands, you're in a position to meet to mistreat her and get away with it. Because you have cultural permission to treat her in a way that Scripture would not allow, and you can get away with it because society, the laws, and the customs of your day are on your side. Don't fall into that temptation. That's not the way a godly man uses his authority. That's not the way a Christian husband is to treat his wife. Remember, she is a fellow heir of the grace of life, and you should treat her with the godly love and respect and consideration that you would treat any believer with. She's in a vulnerable, socially hard situation, but you raise her up. You acknowledge her equality as a fellow believer and honor her as an equal. So I don't think he's saying the wife is inferior or weaker as a human being, but that she is put in a weaker position by the customs of marriage. Now, he adds this phrase so that your prayers may not be hindered. That phrase is addressed to husband. And some people have understood this as things will not go well for you if you don't honor your wives. You know, God won't be as inclined to listen to you if you don't treat your wife well, or your family life won't go as well along those lines. I don't think that's what he's saying because I don't think the biblical picture of prayer is that my prayer success goes up and down depending on how much sin I'm experiencing at the moment. I mean, if that's a if that's the case, it's a wonder anyone's prayers have ever been answered at all. I mean, if God only answers the prayers of those without sin, then we're we're all in trouble. Especially since a few verses down, this is in 312, which we'll get to in the next section, he says, For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. I think the idea here is by righteous he means those who are justified, the people of faith who trust and follow God. And he's saying God is against those who rebel against him by giving their lives to evil, but he listens to and attends to the prayers of those who trust him. So in 312, he gives us this either-or situation. Either you are a person of faith, in which case your prayers are heard, and you will find life and goodness and mercy from God, or you are not a person of faith, in which case God turns away from you and your prayers are not answered. So, at least in 312, he's saying, if you want your prayers to be heard, you need to be a person of faith. You need to be living out a genuine faith from the heart, and one key indicator of true faith is how you treat God's people. You know, the two great commandments are love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself. And if your faith has not influenced how you treat your neighbor, then your faith is in doubt, and your prayers then will not be heard if you have no faith. But if you're loving your neighbor as yourself, which by the way includes your wife first and foremost, then your prayers will be heard. So part of believing God is being willing to love and honor your wife. So we're being called to live as if the gospel is true, and part of that is a sincere love for the brethren, as we saw in 122. Since the gospel is true, God's people are my people, I'm called to love them. Your believing wife is one of God's people, and if as a husband you are unwilling to abandon the social advantage you have over her, and you mistreat her rather than treat her with love and honor and respect, then your faith is suspect. It calls into question what do you really believe and who are you really counting on? And if you're not a believer, then your prayers are are not going to be heard, and I think that's all he's saying. So just to wrap this up, I don't think that Peter is speaking to the issue of husbandheadship in this passage. I do think there is a biblical concept of husbandheadship, but if you could prove me wrong and and uh prove to me that marriage is totally egalitarian in every way, I don't think it would change a word of what Peter is saying in this passage. Because he's addressing how a person should act in a socially oppressive situation. He's saying, if you find yourself in a place where someone is treating you unjustly, here's how to respond. One of those places where you could be treated unjustly is a believing wife with an unbelieving husband. And in each example we looked at this the slaves to masters and the citizen to the government, and now the wife to the husband. His advice was the same. He says, Love your oppressor so that your faith is not interpreted as rebellion and hostility, and you have the chance to win them to the Lord. Now, when properly understood, I think Christian submission is a very beautiful thing. But when it's not understood or when it's misunderstood, it can be really ugly. And, you know, we face these questions all along. How should we church members submit to elders or pastors, or in what way? How should wives submit to husbands or students to teachers or employees to employers? And we always need to check our attitude when we're asking those kinds of questions, because often the question we're really asking is how much can I get away with? So we're not so much asking, do I have to submit to their authority, but how much can I get away with? Do I really have to submit to them? And submission is not the rule that it's not a rule that says everything the other person says goes. It is just one of those guidelines out of many for how I love God and how I love my neighbor. If I want to give, live a godly life, then I need to remember all the principles we've talked about earlier through 1 Peter. That first some people have a limited, rightful authority because of a responsibility God has given them, and I ought to respect that, knowing, of course, that there are limits to every human authority. I mean, as a leader of this study, if someone came along and said, Okay, from now on we're not going to teach the word of God here, we're going to spend our two hours dancing in the Spirit, I would be the first one to say, no, that is not what we're doing. This is a Bible study. I have some measure of responsibility over it, and that requires me to ensure that we stay focused on the Word of God. I have a responsibility to do that. But I have no responsibility to tell you where to work, who to marry, how many kids to have, what to study in college, and so on. That that is outside my area of responsibility. So when I'm talking about limited, those are the kinds of things I mean. You have responsibility for those areas of your life, and you have no responsibility to obey me as a Bible study leader over those areas because I have no authority there. So it's wrong for a leader to step outside the boundaries of his responsibility, and no one is required to follow a leader who's outside his boundaries. But there are areas where we find ourselves in an arena as a boss, a student, or whatever, where people have a limited rightful authority, and when they have that, we are to respect them. So when people, especially believers, are humbly and faithfully trying to fulfill their authority in a godly and biblical way because of the responsibility God has given them, then I ought to respect them and not hinder them. The other way to submit, then, is we have this responsibility. We are called to submit to those treating us unjustly for the sake of communicating the gospel. And I think that's the theme Peter's been hitting since 211. So we should never submit to someone who calls me to disobey God. And we have, if we have the freedom to leave, I think we can do so. You know, so if you decide this Bible study or your church or what or whatever has abandoned its faith and its calling, you have the freedom to leave, you can do so. But Peter's writing to Christians who are stuck. They're in a binding social relationship that they can't get out of and they can't abandon. In each of those situations, they're in a binding relationship they can't easily get out of. And Peter's saying, when you find yourself in that situation, here's what I want you to think about. Try to communicate in love that your faith does not make you that person's enemy. Yes, your faith will set you apart. Yes, your faith will make you act differently, think differently, speak differently in many ways, but it does not have to make you their enemy. So you want them to see that we are people of character whose faith is worth considering. I mean, it then that is a hard thing to do. I don't and I think Peter would be one of the first to acknowledge that. And it's hard, I think, for us today to take the concept of submission seriously because of the rampant and widespread abuse we see of just such kind of authority. And of course, historically, that's been very true in marriage. I mean, it's just so easy when you're given some measure of authority or responsi or responsibility to start thinking, well, God has given me permission to get my own way, and I get to feel virtuous and superior while getting my own way because God's given me the you know the the permission to do that. I get to win and get my way. What's better than that? Well, that is not biblical leadership, that's an abuse of power. You have to remember that leadership in the Bible is always servant leadership. It's the kind of leadership where you lay down your life for another person. The servant leadership, whether it's an elder in the church or a husband in a marriage, it's not the right to say what goes, and just because it's the way you want to do it, it is the responsibility to do what is best, regardless of what you personally would like to see for yourself. So I know that's been widely abused, but in the ideal situation, submission would be an easy thing because those in the positions of authority would be self-sacrificingly trying to seek what is best for all concerned. So remember, Peter's theme here is he's talking to people who are stuck, they're in a binding relationship they can't get out of, and he's saying there are more important things than you getting your way, or you getting your rights, or you getting your fair shake. God's got a bigger agenda. There's a redemptive person purpose to all these situations. Your suffering may be the very thing that wins that person to the Lord, and you are called, you are in fact given an opportunity to show grace and mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it, and that may be the very thing that wins them to the Lord. Let's pray. Father, we confess that these are hard truths, that this is submission is not an easy concept to grasp or to live out. And we just pray that you would be making us people who could trust you in every situation, especially those situations where we may be treated being treated unfairly. And that you would take these words from Peter and write them on our hearts, make us the kind of people who not to understand them more than intellectually, but have the ability to rest in you, to rest in your sovereignty, and trust that you ultimately will put all wrongs right, and that you can use our feeble efforts to bring about great and glorious purposes. In Jesus' name.