11 What the Bible Says About Caring for Aging Parents (1 Timothy 5:3-16)

Krisan Marotta: Welcome to the Wednesday in the Word podcast. I'm Krisan Marotta, and this is my podcast about what the Bible means and how we know. When an aging parent needs help, whose job is it to step in? In 1 Timothy 5, Paul gives Timothy a practical plan for caring for widows, and he says, a believer who won't provide for his own family is worse than an unbeliever. In today's episode, you'll discover why Paul calls caring for your parents godliness and why honoring people means giving them dignity, not just a paycheck. Listen to find out what God expects of you and your church. This is the 11th talk in our series on the book of 1 Timothy. Today we are going to study 1 Timothy 5, verses 3 through 16. I'm glad you joined us. Well, we are beginning a new section of this letter to 1 Timothy and the final section. In this section, Paul turns his attention to three issues that concern how the church is supposed to handle certain individuals within its community. The first one we're going to look at today, and that is how the community is to take care of widows within their midst. Then he turns to how the community should view its leaders and care for them. And then he briefly mentions how slaves should view their masters. Now, to understand today's section on widows, we need a bit of cultural background. In the ancient world, widows were among the most vulnerable people in society. If they didn't have a relative, especially a male relative, to take care of them and protect them, then they were very vulnerable to being cheated, exploited, and oppressed in various ways. The Torah, the Old Testament law, treated widows along with orphans and sojourners as people who were under God's special protection, and it built that protection into the law, into Israel's economic and religious life. The law required a man to marry his brother's childless widow to carry on the family line, and then a kinsman redeemer could restore the family's land and lineage, as we see in the story of Ruth. Because the Torah did not make a widow her husband's heir, later Jewish law closed that gap through the marriage contract, or I'm not sure how to pronounce this. I think it's Ketubah. The Ketubah was standardized by first century BC, and it guaranteed the wife a settlement from her husband's estate when he died. And then the Mishnah added that the widow was entitled to food and housing from her husband's estate for as long as she remained unmarried. And then there were communal charity funds that could provide further support if needed. So by the time of Jesus, a widow's care rested on three basic supports the Old Testament commands to the whole community, second, the obligations of her family, and then third, the legal rights secured in her marriage contract. Now the prophets repeatedly condemned those who oppressed widows. And even so, even with the prophets' warnings and the laws to support them, widows without a male relative were very vulnerable. Under Roman law, a widow could own and manage property, though without three children, she technically remained under male guardianship. And Roman law pressured widows to remarry. So recognizing that there are widows in Timothy's flock, Paul gives him some instructions on how he should handle them, how he should support them, and what was the church's obligation and the family's obligation. Now I'm going to read the whole section here, but notice there's nothing in this section that suggests that Paul is taking on the societal problem in Ephesus. I don't think it's even in his mind. He's not suggesting that the church's responsibility is to solve the social problem for the city at large. His concern is not for all the widows in Ephesus. His concern is for widows who are believers and who are within the church community. So let me read chapter 5, verses 3 through 16, then we'll go back and talk about it. Honor widows who are truly widows, but if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. She who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day, but she who is self indulgent is dead even while she lives. Command these things as well so that they may be without reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, and having a reputation for good works, if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work, but refuse to enroll younger widows, for when their passions draw them away from Christ, they desire to marry, and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith. Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander. For some have already strayed after Satan. If any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. Let the church not be burdened so that it may care for those who are truly widows. All right. So how does Paul think the church should address the needs of widows in their midst? First, Paul makes a distinction between younger widows and older widows, and that one's fairly obvious. Younger widows are young enough to get married again, and older widows are old enough that remarriage is unlikely. Then he makes a distinction between women who have been widowed and women who are truly widows. Now what's that distinction? Some women lose their husband and their father, so they no longer have a male protector, but they have children. They have family members who can and should support them and give them social protection. So they are not without resources because they may have children or grandchildren or family in general who can step in. These are the widows, but they are not true widows because they still have family support. But then there are other women who are true widows. They have no living male relative to support them, and they have no other obvious family member who can be expected to step in. So these are the ones he calls true widows. And we have an example of this in scripture in the book of Ruth. During a famine, Naomi and her husband leave Bethlehem and move to Moab with their two sons. And while they're there, her husband dies. So Naomi has been widowed, but she's not a true widow because she still has two sons. The two sons marry Moabite women, and for about ten years the family gets by, but then both the sons die. Now Naomi has no husband, no sons, and no grandchildren. She's living in a foreign country and there's no one in her household line to protect her, so she's a true widow. She hears that the famine in Israel is over and decides to move home, and one of her daughters-in-law, Orprah, stays behind, but her other daughter-in-law, Ruth, decides to go with Naomi. When the two of them walk into Bethlehem, the whole town is stirred up and the women say, Is this Naomi? And listen to how she answers. This is Ruth chapter one, verses twenty and twenty one. Do not call me Naomi, call me Mara, for the almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Naomi means pleasant, and Mara means bitter, and she's saying, Don't call me pleasant anymore, my life is bitter. I left with a husband and two sons, and I came home with nothing. But Naomi isn't actually empty handed. She's got Ruth, and Ruth, who's also a widow, goes out to the fields to glean, which was a provision in the Old Testament built for widows. She ends up in the field of a man named Boaz, who turns out to be a relative of Naomi's husband, and Boaz steps up as the kinsman redeemer. He marries Ruth, redeems the family land, and Ruth gives birth to a son. And this is how the story ends. The same women of Bethlehem come back to Naomi and say in Ruth 4, 15, He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age. For your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him. Now they're speaking of the grandson. So the woman who came home empty now has a family that will care for her in her old age, and it didn't come from the town treasury, it came from a daughter-in-law who wouldn't leave her, and then a male relative who did what a relative should do. And this is the kind of thing Paul is describing in verse 4. When a woman loses her husband, the first thing that should happen is her family should step into the gap. Naomi went from being a true widow to being a widow who was cared for and it was her family that made a difference. And notice who led the way? It wasn't a son, it was a daughter-in-law. And that's very close to what Paul says in 16. If any believing woman who has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. And of course, part of the reason this story is important is that Ruth is in the line of King David. So Paul was pretty clear that he thinks the primary responsibility for supporting women who have been widowed belongs to the family. It shouldn't fall on the church to take care of them. It should be the responsibility of their children, grandchildren, and other relatives. The church should only bear responsibility for true widows who don't have any other resources and are without any other family. Then he makes a distinction between younger widows and older widows. He encourages younger widows to remarry and join another family who will support and protect them. Younger widows should not be encouraged to spend the rest of their life living off the support of the church. They should be encouraged to remarry and to become part of a family where they can love and serve that family and let that family love and serve them. Then Paul makes one more distinction. Some of the older women without any financial support will be able to work and serve the community. And those women can be compensated for the service they offer the community. So Paul seems to envision a kind of formal process where certain women who are qualified becomes what he calls enrolled. They are put on a list of people who can serve the church. And he seems to have in mind largely practical service. For example, if someone in the church becomes sick and they need someone to help them with daily life during the illness, one of these women on the list could be that help. So these women are receiving financial support from the church, but they're also giving back to the church by serving its members. Then there are other widows who are not qualified for one reason or another. Perhaps they're too old or too infirm to offer service. And even though Paul doesn't explicitly say so, it would appear that they are just supported out of love and charity of their fellow believers in the community. So that's the big picture. Let's go through the verses and look at some of the specifics. So he starts in 5.3, honor widows who are truly widows. And what does he mean by honor them? Well, he seems to have in mind practical, material, financial support. You honor them by taking care of them. And what does he mean by true widows? He tells us in the next verse, in 5.4, but if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness in their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. So true widows are truly alone, and the church should honor them and support them. They have no other means of support, as opposed to widows who have children or grandchildren to support them. And notice we see this term godliness again, this term that has been coming up throughout the letter. One of the ways believers live a godly life is by caring for their widowed mother or mother-in-law or grandmother. If an individual believer wants to live a life that honors God, one of the things he or she should do is care for members of his own household. Children support their parents, grandchildren support the grandparents, and they can't make a claim to honor God if they ignore the needs of their own family members. And he goes on, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. To be grateful to my parents for what they invested in raising me is pleasing to God. It's a matter of godliness to show gratitude to my parents in practical, concrete ways, like supporting them when they've been left without any other support. Then 5.5 and 5.6, she who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day, but she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. I think this is kind of parentheses. I think Paul is describing two different ways a widow who is truly alone can react to her situation. If she has placed all her hope on God, she will continue to trust him and to pray to him. And in some cases, she might even be longing that God would take her home because there's probably nothing in this world that makes this world all that thrilling to her. Luke introduces us to a woman like this. Her name is Anna. Forty days after Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph brought him to the temple to present him to the Lord. An older man named Simeon takes the baby in his arms and praises God, and then Luke says this, this is chapter two, verses thirty six through thirty eight. And there was a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Fanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was advanced in years, having lived with her husband seven years from when she was a virgin, and then as a widow until she was eighty-four. She did not depart from the temple, worshipping with fasting and prayer night and day, and coming up at that very hour, she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who are waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem. That's an interesting little aside Luke brings in. Anna married young, probably as a teenager. Seven years later, her husband died, and she spent decades alone. And what did she do with those decades? Well, she didn't grow bitter or give in to self-indulgence. She set her hope on God. She went to the temple day after day and worshipped with fasting and prayer. And those are almost exactly Paul's words in 1 Timothy 5. This is what it looks like when a widow sets her hope on God. She continually trusts him with her life, and she was rewarded by seeing the Messiah when he came to the temple. She was there to meet him, and she was there to rejoice in his birth. Now, Paul describes the opposite in verse 6, but she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. So you can react by turning to God with trust, or you can react by turning to this kind of despair that gives itself over to self-indulgence, just doing whatever you want to do to make yourself feel better and indulge every pleasure and whim. And Paul says she's died spiritually, and I think that's probably evidence that the second kind of widow is not really a believer at all, not really a member of the church, and would imply that the church has no responsibility to care for her. But of course, if they wanted to care for her out of an act of charity and generosity, they could. Then he says in seven and eight, command these things as well so that they may be without reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Command these things, I think it just means explain this. Explain this to your flock so they know what their responsibilities are. Of all people, believers should gladly and gratefully support their own parents and grandparents. That's part of what it means to be above reproach. Even pagans recognize their duty to their parents. It would be a scandal in the larger Ephesian community if Christians refuse to support their family members. So a believer who neglects his responsibility to his own family is worse than an unbeliever. Now that sounds harsh. Worse than an unbeliever? That's really strong language, but in that language, Paul is echoing something that Jesus said. In Mark 7, some Pharisees and scribes came from Jerusalem to criticize Jesus and his disciples for eating without washing their hands in the proper ritual way. And Jesus turns the question around on them. He says, You care a lot about your traditions, but let me show you what your traditions are doing. And this is Mark chapter seven, verses nine through thirteen. And he said to them, You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition. For Moses said, Honor your father and your mother, and whoever reviles father and mother must surely die. But you say, If a man tells his father or his mother, Whatever you have gained from me is Corbin, that is given to God, then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down, and many such things you do. Alright, so what's going on here? Corbin means an offering, something dedicated to God. So what the Pharisees were doing is they would declare that all their money and all their property was Corbin. It was all dedicated to God. And once the Pharisee had done that, he was not allowed to use that money to help his parents, even if his parents were old and in need. So he would refuse to support, say, his widowed mother or his elderly father, and then he would go home and eat and drink and provide for himself with all that Corbin money. The money hadn't got anywhere. It was just labeled holy, so he wouldn't have to support his parents. And Jesus says that cancels out the word of God, and he quotes the commandment, honor your father and mother. Showing honor includes supporting them in financial ways. Honoring your parents doesn't just mean you're polite to them and you respect them, it means you help them and take care of them when they need it. So when Paul says that a believer who refuses to provide for his family has denied the faith, I don't think he's being harsh. I think he's agreeing with Jesus. You can't claim to honor God while refusing to honor your parents. That's part of the commandments. You're not supposed to abandon your family. Now, going on in nine through twelve, let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, and having a reputation of good works, if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work, but refuse to enroll younger widows, for when their passions draw them away from Christ they desire to marry, and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith. Alright, so if a widow who is truly alone is over sixty and she has a reputation for being a godly woman, put her on the list. Support her and let her give back to the church in practical ways. But don't enroll younger women in this program because eventually they're going to want to remarry. Now apparently the women on this list took some kind of pledge or vow. They made some kind of vow to remain single and serve the church, perhaps like nuns today. And we don't know what kind of vow they took, but the context suggests that it included a promise that they would not remarry so that they could serve the church instead. And Paul advises don't put younger widows on the list because wanting to remarry, wanting to raise children is Is a very normal and natural desire for a younger woman, and it's a good thing to do. So let her do that. Don't expect her to take a vow to spend the rest of her life in service because it's likely she won't want to keep that vow forever. It's a good thing. Let them remarry. It's better that they not make the vow in the first place than that they keep the vow technically, but live a life of promiscuity and sin because of their passions when they really want to remarry. So it's better not to make the vow in the first place, just let them remarry when they want to remarry. And notice the qualifications for getting on the list and making this vow are largely the same as the qualifications we saw for overseers and deacons. The only new factor on the list is age. And then Paul gives some examples for what it looks like to be above reproach. Just like the overseers and deacons, she needs to be a faithful wife to a husband. Her life experience should testify to the fact that she is committed to seeking godliness, to loving and serving others, to compassion and to holiness. And he lists the kind of good works that testify to that. If she has brought up children, so she's taken on the responsibility of motherhood, taken it seriously, hasn't neglected it, has done a good job of caring and nurturing for her children. If she's shown hospitality, so she's shown her compassion and her care for strangers by extending herself in hospitality to others. If she's washed the feet of the saints, now that's an interesting one. That's a reference to what Jesus did to the disciples in the upper room before he was crucified. Jesus humbled himself and washed their feet as a picture of being willing to serve others. And Paul calls back to that and says she needs to have demonstrated that willingness to serve and meet the needs of other believers and not be too proud to lend a hand. If she has assisted those in trouble, if she has pursued every good work, then she can be enrolled. And all those qualifications seem to be things that qualify her for practical service to other people in the church. Now we have to pay attention to the context here. This list is described in the context of a church's responsibility to honor widows who are true widows, and putting them on the list is a way of honoring them because they are being compensated, they're being paid and supported for the service they render, but they are also paying back that service by serving the community. So they're really being honored two ways. They're being both physically supported, but it's not just charity, they're also being given a chance to be productive, to be needed, and to contribute. So they gain the dignity of contributing to the needs of the community. They're not slaves, they are wise women and grandmothers who come to the aid of others in the church when needed. So maybe when a parent of a young child is ill or called to military duty, or maybe when a new baby's born, these women could come and help. Maybe they come help run the family business during the busy season. It really could be anything. Now Luke gives us another picture of what this kind of community looks like in the church, and this one we find in Acts 9. This is Acts 9, 36 through 39. Now there was in Joppa a disciple named Tabitha, which translated means Dorcas. She was full of good works and acts of charity. In those days she became ill and died, and when they had washed her they laid her in an upper room. Since Lida was near Joppa, the disciples, hearing that Peter was there, sent two men to him, urging him, please come to us without delay. And when he arrived, they took him to the upper room. All the widows stood beside him weeping and showing tunics and other garments that Dorcas made while she was with them. So notice that little verse. The widows in town are testifying to how much Tabitha cared for them, and they're crying to Peter, look how much this woman loved us, and they're holding up clothes, saying, She made this for me, and look at this one, she made this one for me. So they don't give Peter a speech about oh she was a friend to everyone. They literally show him what she made with her hands. Now Luke doesn't mention whether Tabitha herself was a widow. Some scholars think she probably was, but we don't really know. What we do know is that her life was spent, at least in part, supporting the lives of the widows in the church. She clothed them and they loved her for it. And Luke describes her as full of good works. That's the same language Paul uses in verse ten. An enrolled widow must have a reputation for good works and be devoted to every good work. So Tabitha was the kind of woman that Paul has in mind. Now, just to finish the story, this is going on Acts nine, forty through forty two. But Peter put them all outside and knelt down and prayed, and turning to the body he said, Tabitha, arise, and she opened her eyes, and when she saw Peter, she sat up, and he gave her his hand and raised her up. Then calling the saints and widows, he presented her alive, and it became known throughout all Joppa, and many believed in the Lord. Notice that little description Luke gives us, and then calling the saints and the widows. Luke names the widows as their own group within the church. So long before Paul wrote to Timothy, the early church already had this recognizable community of widows who cared for one another and served one another, and when one of them died the whole church felt the loss. And that's the kind of thing that Paul wants for Ephesus. He doesn't just want a list of names who get a paycheck every month, he wants this community of women whose service holds the church together and whose good works are so real that the church can hold them up in their hands. All right, going on 511 through 15, but refuse to enroll younger widows, for when their passions draw them away from Christ, they desire to marry, and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith. Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander, for some have already strayed after Satan. So he's continuing on. He's still talking about why younger widows should not be on the list. And he's saying younger widows who have permanent material support don't have to face the pressures of needing to survive or caring for a family, and so they grow idle. A young widow who's going to be permanently supported for the rest of her life can be destroyed by that because she has no purpose, no sense of belonging, and no way to be productive. So instead of being supported for the rest of their lives, it's better that they remarry, raise children, manage a household. And in doing that, they're respectable members of the community. That gives the pagans around them one less reason to slander the church. And he talks about how some in this situation have turned aside going after Satan. So in their idleness, they gravitated towards self-indulgence that we talked about earlier, and they wandered away from the faith. And then he summarizes in verse 16 if any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. Let the church not be burdened so that they may care for those who are truly widows. So he's already made this point, but I think he's just emphasizing it here. Believers within the church need to care for their own household, and that is both men and women. If someone within their family group becomes widowed, then they should meet their that person's financial needs. The whole community shouldn't be burdened unless that widow is truly alone. All right, so what does all this mean for us? We don't live in first century Ephesus. Most widows today aren't facing starvation. We have Social Security and pensions and life insurance and so forth. So it would be easy to read this passage as ancient church policy, brush it aside and move on. But I think underneath Paul's instructions are a few principles that really haven't changed. And the first one is godliness starts at home. Paul says that caring for your own mother or grandmother is pleasing in the sight of God in verse four. And he says neglecting your family is a denial of faith in verse eight. And then on to speak to us today, because it's easy to say, oh well, my parents have Social Security. They're all taken care of. I don't need to support them. I don't need to take care of them. I just call them once a month and see if they're still alive. Well, is that enough? We can sing on Sunday and lead Bible studies and serve on committees, but if we ignore the needs of the people God's placed in our own family, I think something's wrong. And for many of us, this passage is about aging parents. It's about the phone calls, the doctor's appointments you need to go with them to, the hard conversations about their medical needs. And sometimes it means sacrificing your own time and money. And Paul calls that godliness. It's how we repay those who raised us. They may have their financial needs taken care of through their life insurance, pensions, and social security. But what about their emotional needs? What about loneliness? What about being part of a family and belonging? We ought to take that seriously. Second, the church is a family, and no one in God's family should be left entirely alone. Paul's concern is for those who are truly widows, people with no one else. Maybe there are people like that in your church today. Maybe it's the elderly woman who sits by herself every Sunday, or the shut-in nobody has visited in months, or the person whose family lives far away and spends every Thanksgiving alone. Well, the household of God is meant to be a family, and we ought to be aware of the needs in our community, looking around and making sure that those people who are truly alone know they're not alone because they're part of the family of God. The third thing we can learn is that honor means more than charity. Paul didn't just want the widows fed, he wanted them to have dignity and be productive. The women on that list served the church, and the church honored them for it. I think everyone needs to be needed. And the way we care for people should leave them with a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging, not just a paycheck. And finally, I think this is a picture of God Himself. Scripture calls God the father of the fatherless and the protector of widows. That's in one of the Psalms. When the church cares for people no one else will, we show the world what our father is like. And when we fail to do that, we give the adversary another reason to slander us. Thank you for listening to Wednesday in the Word, the podcast that explains not only what a passage means, but also shows you how to figure it out. You'll find the blog version of this episode at WednesdayInTheWord.com slash 1 Timothy 1 1 or 1 Timothy 11. You can listen to all the episodes in this series at WednesdayInTheWord.com as well as find my other Bible study podcast. Free downloads, charts, and resources. There's no charge, no spam, and no ads. If this podcast has blessed you, please follow it and rate it or review it wherever you listen. But most importantly, tell a friend what you learned and where you learned it. RC Music is graciously provided by my friend Reggie Coates, who has a new album of worship music out. You can find that album and all of Reggie's music on heartfeltmusic.org. Thank you for joining me today. I'm Kristan Murata, and I'll see you next week at Wednesday in the morning.