03 God’s Design for Sexuality

Speaker 1: Okay, we've given you a definition of marriage. We've contrasted that with the various types of relationships you can have. And now what we're going to do is study the opening of the Song of Solomon to try to recover the biblical perspective on sexuality. And I think I suspect for most of you, if you're serious about your faith, that you probably suspect that the modern view of sexuality is not the biblical view. And maybe you've heard all the statistics about the devastating effects of hooking up and the failure of living together as a predictor of a successful marriage, and all the statistics about low self-esteem that come out of our modern sexuality. And all that adds up to, okay, something's not right in the world's view, but you may not know what the biblical view is. And a lot of us we think, well, it's a list of do's and don'ts, or nows and not yets, or wait, but what are we waiting for? So that's what we're going to try to answer. And we find those answers in primarily, well, a number of passages, but primarily in the Song of Solomon, which is this beautiful poem that extols the virtue of physical love within a permanent, monogamous, married relationship. So the first question that raises is, okay, how could Solomon have written this? Because at the end of his life, if you know anything about him, you know he had hundreds of wives and another hundred concubines on top of that. So how could he possibly have written this kind of a poem? And I think the answer is similar to his other work, the Book of Ecclesiastes, because Solomon at the time was the wisest man, the richest man, and the most powerful man in the world, and he had the ability to basically do whatever he wanted. He and so he said, I'm going to try it all and see what's fulfilling and what isn't. And at the end of the day, after trying that, and saying, Okay, let me try every alternative to God's view, he wrote Ecclesiastes to say it doesn't work. At the end, the best a person can do is fear God and keep his commandments. Well, the same thing is true of the Song of Solomon. Solomon lived the kind of life Hollywood tells you you ought to live. He had it all, he could enjoy whomever he wanted, whenever he wanted, basically. So he lived the life that our modern culture says is best, and at the end, he wrote this poem to say it's not best. There is a better way. So I'm gonna give you two myths and then three truths. The myths are just part of what our culture teaches, and then I'm gonna give you three truths that come out of the Song of Solomon. And there's a number of passages we could have chosen. I'm just gonna pick the opening just to get you started. Okay, so the first myth is that monogamous love is boring. And free love is exciting. So there's this enduring kind of caricature that if you're religious or you're a Bible-believing kind of person, that sexuality is only do's and don'ts and boundaries and responsibilities, and maybe it's just for the procreation of children and nothing more. So they claim. On the other hand, they s the world would say it's the single, the young who are free to explore their sexuality without bounds, without rules, in these wildly, wonderfully fulfilling ways. Well, you know, these old religious people just have kind of old wrinkly married people sex, you know. So that is completely wrong. That is almost ex well, I'd say that's exactly backwards. And I think it is those who are in a permanent committed relationship who find the most joy and fulfillment in their sexuality. Now, we had been married about two years, and we were having a conversation with a couple who'd been our premarriage mentors. And at some point, I can't remember how it came up, at that point they'd been married about 15 years, and the husband said, You know, I thought when we were newlyweds that we had sexuality all figured out, but after we'd been married about 10 years, I realized how wrong I was. And I remember looking at him going, huh, slow learner. You know, what's wrong with him? Because we'd been married about two years, and I thought, well, we've got it all figured out. Well, after we've been married about ten years, I had occasion to remember that, and I thought, now I know what he's talking about. He was right, it's only better. And I can tell you, after 20 years, better still. And 30 is looking pretty good, I must admit. So the lie is that new is better. And that's what Hollywood tells you. It has to be new, it has to be different, it has to be someone else, and that's what's better. But it shouldn't surprise us after what we've learned about the Bible and why God created sexuality, that new is not better, that what is better is knowing and being known. And that is where you find true joy and commitment. So let me give you an analogy. I don't know if this is gonna work or not. Suppose you have to learn to play bridge. Now that's a game that requires a partner. And your only preparation is you can read a summary of the rules. And your bridge partner is gonna read a summary of the rules, but not necessarily the same summary of the rules. So, how well do you think you're gonna play together the first time you try to play bridge together? Yeah, a little success, a lot of frustration. You know. So, say, you know, you're trying to play the Blackwood Convention and your partner's playing the Stamen Convention, those are two different, totally different ways of playing bridge, and so your partner, your bridge partner bids two clubs, and you think, oh, they've got to have lots and lots of clubs. Actually, that means they have none. Then if you don't know that, you lead the wrong thing and you lose. So technique is not the thing that makes you a successful bridge player. Um, you need to know more than that. You need to know the subtleties, you need to know your partner's understanding. So if you just have a string of first games with different bridge partners, you will never be a grandmaster. So new is not better. It is the knowing and being known. And is having somebody know you, know your responses, your likes, your dislikes, what makes you happy, what kind of mood you're in or not in, all of that is what, as we'll see when we get into the Song of Solomon, is what makes a truly fulfilling relationship. So the first myth is new is not better. The second myth is that intimacy is for ourselves. I call this the Gaston view of love. You remember him from Beauty and the Beast? So this is the view that it's all about me. It's all about what I like or don't like, and the goal is to pursue whatever makes me as an individual happy. So you're constantly trying to pursue this, you know, fleeting physical pleasure, and it's kind of irrelevant who you're finding pleasure with. Now, that ought to be obviously wrong on the face value. I mean, think about just your relationships with your roommate. If you do exactly what you want whenever you want it, how well do you get along with your roommate? You know, so bang around at midnight while they're trying to sleep and see how well that goes. Or, you know, you go to the refrigerator and you drink their the last of their carton of milk. Are they gonna be happy if you say, Well, it made me happy? Your stomach may be happy, but you're gonna live alone very soon. So doing what you want whenever you want it is not the key to a successful relationship, and that is not true in sexuality. So there's the two myths. New is not better, and seeking my own pleasure is what's fulfilling. Neither is true. What we're gonna find in Song of Solomon is that true fulfillment, the most joy comes from a committed, other focused relationship. Okay, so in your handouts, you should have the text we're gonna look at. It's on page four. It's the opening verses of the Song of Solomon. So those are the two myths. I'm not gonna give you the three truths. I'm gonna read verses one through four. The song of songs, which is Solomon's, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine. Your anointing oils are fragrant, your name is oil poured out, therefore, virgins love you. Draw me after you, let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers. And then the chorus speaks. We will exalt and rejoice in you, we will extol your love more than wine. Rightly do they love you. Now you're probably looking at that going, you can get the basic idea. This is uh, I'm gonna call them the bride and the groom, and they are past the flirty stage, they are past the getting to know you stage, they are now in the I want to get to know you fully, intimately, physically stage. And the three truths I'm gonna give you, I'll tell you all of them, and then they are godly passion is honorable, powerful, and intoxicating. I'm gonna define exactly what I mean by this. So honorable, powerful, and intoxicating, and we're gonna start with honorable. So oftentimes the Christian message tends to focus on weighting or rules or boundaries, you know, and in our zeal to help you experience the best, we often forget to tell you that sexuality is a gift from God and it is meant to be enjoyed. And you can see this in the text because look at one four in Song of Solomons. The chorus responds to this call for love with praise. They say, We exalt you, we will exalt and rejoice in you, we will extol your love more than wine. Rightly do they love you. Now, the chorus in this book sometimes, they often uh function kind of like a Greek chorus in a play. They will ask the bride or a groom a question to give them a chance to tell their opinion on the matter. Sometimes they act as the voice of the narrator to kind of give a commentary on how we ought to think about what's going on. And sometimes, as is like I think the case here, they act as the voice of God, to say this is the author's point of view and God's point of view. And I think when you get verse 4, this is the chorus saying, God is speaking to a husband and wife who are gathered in each other's arms on the verge of intimacy, and he says, This is good. We wholeheartedly approve. And that's something that often gets lost in the do's and don'ts. That married love is a beautiful, wonderful gift of God. That's what I mean by honorable. It is a wonderful, it is we'll praise your love more than wine. It is a gift to be enjoyed. So within the context God made for it, it is a wonderful thing. It's more than do's and don'ts and not yet's and and just having babies. So godly passion is honorable. The second truth is that it is powerful. Now, you're probably going, well, that's a firm grasp of the obvious. So, but let me explain what I mean by that. It's I mean more than just that there is a physical urge that takes over at puberty and kind of shapes our lives for the next 50 years. And you've probably gathered that. All you have to do is is look around. But what the Bible teaches is the reason, godly the reason this uh sexuality is so powerful is because it fulfills the promise of being known. And it is a promise of a more profound relationship. So that it is powerful in part because we were built with this need for intimacy, and this is the solution. And of course, we long for it in in ways, so many ways. So marriage is not just the legal license for now you can have physical passion, it is the fulfillment of this desire to no longer be lonely, to have someone know you and know every aspect of your life. Now, I want you to see how this plays out in the text. I'm going to read you verses five through seven. This is the bride speaking. She says, I'm very dark but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, like the tents of cedar, like the curtains of Solomon. Do not gaze at me because I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me. My mother's sons were angry with me. They made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept. Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you made it lie down at noon, for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of her companion of your companions? So what she's saying about herself is basically, Don't look at me. I don't like the way I look. My life has not turned out the way I thought it was going to turn out. I'm not the person I thought I would be at this point. I'm not the most beautiful, I'm not the most perfect, I've been burned by the sun, I've had to work in the fields. So she's looking at herself going, you know what? I'm not really all that lovable. Why would you love me? Now, hopefully you guys are young enough that you have not yet faced this kind of major disillusionment or despair or brokenness in your life. And if and when that happens, you know that God is the one who fixes that. That he is the only one who can redeem what is truly broken and fix what is truly lost, and he's the one who sees beauty where no one else can see beauty, and he will bring light out of darkness. I'm not denying all that. It is true that it is God's voice that will heal us, but marriage gives you a chance to express that same kind of love. So in the marriage commitment, you have the chance to say to someone, I see you as you are, and I love you anyway. Yes, I know you're broken. Yes, I know you're flawed, yes, I've seen your sins, and as part of the commitment, I'm choosing to love you anyway. So you have a chance to express that aspect of grace in someone else's life in a way no one else can, and vice versa. And that's the power. That is the power behind sexuality. It is committing yourself to loving someone who is not always lovable, and having someone love you when you're not lovable. And that fulfills one of the deepest longings of our hearts, and I think that's why it's so powerful. So it's a chance to say, I choose you above all others with all my heart for all my life. And you'll notice how the groom answers her. He says, To me, you're the most beautiful of all women. I see your flaws, I love you anyway. Now, in this section, it's the bride speaking those self-doubts. It could just as easily have been the groom. Both of us have broken, are broken and insecure. Okay, so that's honorable. It's a gift to be enjoyed, it's powerful because it fulfills that desire to know and be known, and we can express an aspect of grace by choosing to love someone who is not lovable. And the last one is that it's intoxicating. So, oh, yes, lady in the tram. So I'm gonna kind of reference through verses uh verses eight through two six on your handouts. I'm not gonna read all the way through them because I probably couldn't read them out loud, but you can kind of skim through them and point out the verses I want you to notice. So in this section, the bride and groom are talking to each other. They're physically close to each other, they are moving to a more and more, as we said, a progression of intimacy in this text. You'll see that as through the metaphors as they read through it. But what I want you to notice is as they are talking and as their physical intimacy is progressing, they are talking about what they mean to each other. So there's this combination of tender speech, of security, of knowing each other, of this physical intimacy, and what they say is enhancing and bringing out what they mean to each other. So the true power, the true intoxication of it is not just, oh, this fit feels good physically, it's the knowing and being known, which is why newness is a lie. Because it's the knowing and the being known that makes sexuality uh as intoxicating as it is. So you'll notice as they go through those speeches, they treat each other with dignity, they treat each other as unique. He says, You're a lily among thorns, I you're the only woman for me, you're unique. She says the same thing of him. She says, He's like an apple tree among all the trees of the forest, that's in two, three. So they're saying, You're not just any man, you're not just a man or any woman, you are the one that I share this with. So they treat each other with dignity, they treat each other as people, not as bodies. So you notice in verse 15, when the groom begins to describe her, he starts with her eyes. Because when you look someone in the eyes, you have to relate to them as a person. They're not just a body at that point, they're not just someone else. You have to relate to them in their by looking in their eyes as relating them as a person. So they're wooing each other with this praise, with dignity, talking about what they mean to each other. There's no force, there's no compelling, there's no manipulation. Um, she says she is secure and protected in his embrace. So in 2-4, when she says his banner over me is love, the idea is I am secure and protected. I can give myself freely because of the security of this commitment. So the dialogue reflects how well they know each other, and it enhances, it turns what could be just a physical kind of going through the emotions kind of act into this whole package of knowing, being known, touching, intimacy, sexual relationship, spiritual relationship, emotional, all those kinds of intimacy, it all combines into one. And that's why it's so intoxicating. So if you read through the book, you'll notice how sensitively and beautifully they describe each other. And they describe their relationship, they describe each other's bodies, but it's never crass, it's never filthy, there's no rude vocabulary. They, if anything, they take their language and use it to elevate their relationship into this beautiful picture of, you know, metaphor and they talk about nature and food and drink and wine and all these things that have sensual pleasure and it enhances this knowing and being known. And after studying the Song of Solomon, I find I can almost not watch TV and movies because it's like they want to take the language to the gutter level of sexuality. There's no beauty in it, it all becomes kind of this below the gutter. So godly passion is intoxicating when you have the whole package, not just the touching, but the knowing and being known. And every aspect of the relationship reinforces the rest. Okay, one more thing, then I want you to notice before I'm going to give this over to Dave. Notice by in chapter one, the bride starts out basically saying, Take me, and it progresses through to 2-6. So by 2-6, they are lying together in bed as lovers, and the bride turns to the daughters of Jerusalem, who are the chorus, and she issues a warning. So in 2-7, she says, I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. That warning appears in the book three times. It's here in 2-7, it's in 3-5, and it's in 8-4. And it's basically don't awaken love until it's time. And that's one of the important themes of the book. The idea is don't fan the flames of a commitment you cannot make or are not willing to make. So wait for the security of marriage. Wait for someone who will commit to you forever. Wait for someone who will express those three commitments and is willing and able to meet them. And if you don't have that, for whatever reason you you're too young or you're committed to the military, or there's something that prevents you, don't start down the path. Don't fan the flames. And at this point she's speaking to the the daughters of Jerusalem or the or the women, but it it applies equally to men or women. The idea is don't ask for someone's heart if you're not willing to follow through on the commitment. And don't give your heart away if you don't, if you don't intend to actually move toward marriage. So it's not just physical, it's also emotional. You can um give your heart away emotionally before you should. So it's it's both. So let's see. So, like any good gift, if you use sexuality outside the way God intended it, you only have a cheap imitation of the gift. Speaker: This is my favorite verse from the Song of Songs, which is why I threw it in. And I I'm not I'm not sure it I'm not sure it actually is applicable for a talk, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway. Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead. And the reason why I picked this is because it sounds bizarre, but when you understand it in its context, I think it really sort of is a good example. So I'm in this case I may be the comic relief. It's in both 4-1 and then uh and then the bride repeats it again in 6-5, and it's a little difference in each context. In one, he's saying it is a great compliment, and the other he's saying it after a fight to let her know she's still important. But the interesting thing is to understand first the metaphor, it's a compliment. If you try saying this to a woman, she won't today she won't necessarily know it's a compliment. But the first thing to understand is that that goats in the in the ancient Near East are black, and so it's it's it's like saying your hair is like a raven. It doesn't literally mean you have a bird sitting on the top of your head. It just means your hair has a beautiful black color to it. And the leaping down the slopes of Gilead, if you can imagine um a flock of all black goats going down the slopes of a pale Israeli countryside, it's very similar to the metaphor of a w a woman with with curly black hair letting her hair down across her pale shoulders. So it's a it's sort of a beautiful poetic metaphor as this idea of your hair is like this curving and wailing, uh, you know, curving and and swirling, coming down across your your pale um shoulders. Now, the interesting thing is that in the in the uh ancient Near Eastern culture, a woman did not let her hair down except for her husband. In that culture, you kept your hair up, and so you let your hair down, it was an aspect of your beauty or sexuality or intimacy that you only reserved for your husband. So it's actually a great compliment in a number of ways. He's saying, first of all, I find your hair very attractive, it's beautiful as you let it down, and you're letting it down only for me, and that's part of the specialnesses. This is something that only I see and only I share with you. So it's again, it's just a little it's a little sort of piece into the metaphors of the Song of Songs and then how they play into the marital commitment of specialness. We're on page five. And we're continuing, and it should be eight, six through ten. Let me just read it and then and then we'll comment on it. Set me as a seal on your upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm. So the the the first thing is uh in the in ancient times when few people could write, that you carried a seal suspended either uh around your neck over your heart or else it was worn on the right hand. And when you wanted to make your mark, if you would, you would take your seal and you would mark it. And since you only had the seal, that was your mark and people could recognize it. So you didn't have to sign things uh that way. It was actually a lot more secure than uh than a signature is today. And what she's saying is she's saying she wants to be his personal signature. She wants to be his signature. So that's that kind of one life experience that you get in the marital commitment. For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as fierce as the grave. Its flashes are the flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. So the first piece is that this marital love, this sexuality is personal. The second one is that it's possessive, it is jealous. And just as the grave would not give up its dead, so she will not give up the one she loves. The opposite of jealousy is the opposite of indifference. Sometimes you see two married couples, and it's like they're so indifferent to each other they don't even care to bother to get divorced. It's just not all that, it doesn't all matter all that much. Well, this is something that's very possessive, it's it's and and possessive in a good sense, not a not a childish sense. Uh love is possessive, not immaturely so, but in the sense of being intensely aware and concerned about the one loved. So it's this intense concern, and that's praised in the scriptures. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drowned it. So you see that love is persevering. This godly jealousy won't give up because it's seeking the best for its object of desire. It will not relent. And then if a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised, or as the Beatles would say, money can't buy me love. Um, why would the man be despised because he's underestimated the price of love? Could I pay a woman a million dollars to love me more than a million dollars? No. She'd be doing it for the money. So you can't pay someone enough to love you and make you the most special thing in all of creation because it would take all of creation and it still wouldn't be enough. So this idea of love is that love is priceless, the biblical love. It will not give up on anything. The attempt to buy a person's love is you know, reduces, reduces that person to an object and depersonalizes them. Uh and then in uh verse 8, uh, we have a little sister and she has no breasts, meaning she's not yet of the age at which she could get married, so she's young. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for? So how how shall we prepare this person who's immature for the day in which she is married? So how do you how do you do that? And then uh and then you see the answer. If she is a wall, that is, if she is not sexually open, so if she is reserved in her sexuality, if she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver. So we will reward that and we will encourage it. But if she is a door, meaning that she is sexually available, we will enclose her with boards of cedar, we will board her up for her own good and try to protect her from her own foolishness. And then in verse 10, which you don't have, I was a wall and my breasts were like towers. So I was a wall and my breasts were reserved and and and not accessible to men. And then I was in his eyes as one who finds or brings peace, meaning that if I reserved my sexuality for marriage before marriage, then when I'm married, my husband can have the peace of knowing that my sexuality is reserved only for him. So it's just like trying to be the second wife that's broken up a marriage. How do you know your husband's going to be faithful? You don't. Unless he changes, and if he changes, then he wouldn't have married you. So, you know, so you've got this back and forth. It's very difficult to marry somebody who's left their wife in order to be with you and then and then not be mistrusting the entire time. So the third one, or the last one is, but kept to its intended purpose, love brings peace. So kept to its intended purpose, reserving sexuality for marriage brings peace within the marriage. And this peace is the shalom that comes from keeping sexuality for its proper place. Okay. Let's take a look at the next passage, which is 1 Corinthians 6. And I'm gonna go through this sort of, I put the whole passage down here, but there's some places I really want to talk about. Paul's writing to the Corinthian church, and he's writing to the Corinthian church, and they have a particular problem, and that is people are saying it's okay to go to the temple prostitutes, because it doesn't really matter, because you know, we're Christians, we're on a higher plane, we're we're spiritual, and so to fulfill our sexual needs with the temple prostitutes really doesn't make any difference. It's no more than when you buy a piece of meat in the marketplace and it's been offered to idols. Christians can eat that meat, and we don't mean that we're being offered to idols. So if you have sex with the temple prostitutes, it has nothing to do with the temple. It's just fulfilling the sexual need, just like you'd fulfill your hunger for food. Sounds a little bizarre to us today, but that was what they were arguing. So Paul's writing back to them, and first he says, Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral, nor idolatrous, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you, but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the Spirit of our God. So those who persist in sin will not inherit the kingdom of God. Part of our redemption is God changing our affections away from sin and toward righteousness. So we've been forgiven, but we've also been set apart for a new destiny, and so the first principle is become what you're meant to be. Our salvation is not just forgiveness. God does forgive you, but he loves you too much to keep you there, and our destiny is a different place, and ultimately we will be the kind of people that we're supposed to be. Therefore, live out this. I mean, even your own conversion, affected by God and through the work of Christ and the Spirit, is what's removed you from being among the wicked and set you on this new path. So live out this new life in Christ and stop being by the uh like the wicked. So then in verse 12 he continues, and at this point he's quoting their argument and then trying to refute refute it. So all things are lawful for me, they're quoting the Corinthians, but not all things are helpful, Paul says. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything. Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food, but God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body, and God has raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. So, um, they're saying it doesn't matter, and what Paul is saying is Christian morality matters, and sexuality is a part of Christian morality. Whether something's been offered to idols and all that, that that may not be part of the essentials, but part of the essentials of morality is sexuality, because God created it for a purpose, and that purpose is marriage. God created food, and the fruit and the purpose of food is for the stomach. So that one works, but the purpose of sexuality is not to release sexual tension, it's for marriage. And so Paul's making the argument that's important, it's an important piece of morality. And then they had another problem in the Corinthian church. They thought that what we did in the body didn't matter, and what we did in the spirit did. And Paul is saying, you've got it backwards, God's going to raise our bodies. It's not that our bodies in the end are going to burn. Our bodies in the end are going to be redeemed. And a redeemed body doesn't just have sex with temple prostitutes or anyone there, because sexuality has a purpose. So that's the next thing that he says. And it's interesting, uh there's a common practice among Eastern spiritual gurus that once they've reached their level of enlightenment, they can do whatever they want in terms of debauchery. And when one of their disciples challenges them, they say, Well, you know, if you were just as enlightened as me, you wouldn't even question me on that, because I'm so enlightened that none of that matters. And they sort of answer that way. And so it's this level of spirituality, and then that allows them to do all kinds of debauchery. Christian view obviously says, monk, sexuality has a purpose to it, and we can judge what you're doing because we have the word of God to be able to do that with. So Paul answers, our bodies are not passing away, they're being redeemed, and they will be raised immortal. Then he goes on, and this is the most interesting part of the passage. In verse 15, do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never. Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one flesh with her, one body with her? For it is written, the two will become one flesh, but he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. So it's an interesting argument, and you kind of have to you kind of have to understand what Paul's saying. Paul is saying sexuality has a meaning in and of itself. You cannot have meaningless sex. Because sex has a meaning. It has an intent by God. And that intent is to become and pull you into one life experience with your wife or or your husband. And so when you have sex with a temple prostitute, you are being pulled in and expressing a one-life commitment with her. So you can't just have meaningless sex. And that's uh that's an interesting point. Our bodies will be redeemed, but also meaning is built into our sexuality. You can't have just meaningless sex. So then he goes on. The two will become one flesh, and then in verse 17, but he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him, flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit within you, from whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price, so glorify God in your body. When he says in verse 18, every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. If you think about many of the different sins, I can be unloving, I can be unkind, I can say a harsh word against you, I can steal your stuff, those are all sins against you. What he's saying is that sexual sins are different, and we kind of know they're different. They are different because what they hurt is our own psyche. They're doing damage upon ourselves. They're hurting ourselves. We are part of the victims in that. Now, in Christian circles, sexual sins are often uh elevated uh to these this high sort of, oh, those are the worst sins, and uh like like they're worse than pride. They're different than pride. They're not worse. Pride is obviously just as much a sin as sexual immorality is, but sexual sins have this added difference in that they sin against ourselves. They hurt ourselves, they hurt our own psyche, and they require healing then and time to get over that. And so that's what makes us feel so guilty about sexual sins, what makes makes us feel so uh sort of run down against sexual sins. Speaker 1: Can I just jump in at this point? I see a lot of people looking down. So that that raises the question what if you've blown it? Uh and I just want to answer that all of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and no one has ever been perfect in their sexuality. None of us has a perfect marriage. So the good news of the gospel is we have a God who delights in taking what is broken and redeeming it and fixing it. And Jesus died on the cross to cover your sins, all of them, including sexual sins. There's no fine print that says, oops, there's an exception. These are covered too. He God can and does forgive. He can heal, he can take what feels like it's broken beyond repair and bring goodness and light out of it. So, yes, sin has consequences. All sin has consequences. And yes, sin hurts, especially sexual sins, but we have a God who can heal anything. So if you're thinking, oh no, I've blown it, might as well hang it up. This is what the blood of Christ was for. It's um, you know, as Eugene Peterson says, being a Christian is a long obedience in the same direction. But nothing you've done is beyond God's forgiveness. Speaker: And along those lines, it is better to be a prostitute with faith than chaste and self-righteous. So just bear that in mind. I think I think the important reminder for us is that sexual sins can cause us to be personally guilt-ridden. They're intended to do that. And the reason is because God made our bodies and our sexuality inseparable from our self-image. So when two people in marriage have sex with each other, there's a great joy in that, and there's a great uh validation of your self-image. And when you use your sexuality outside of marriage, that can because a great guilt-ridden, uh, terrible self-image, and you can feel terrible about it. So, and then also that sexual sins are habit forming. They're meant to be part of the glue that bring us together. And so, as you get involved in sexuality that you're not supposed to get involved in, and then you try to back off, that is really painful because it was never meant to happen. So you're never supposed to go part way towards sexuality and then rip it back apart. It just hurts that way. Now, obviously, in marriage you go towards sexuality, but then it's fulfilled, and that's that's intended the way it's intended to be. So the other thing is to remember that sins do not cause, I don't know how to put this other than philosophic terms, an ontological death. Sin is not somehow a separate thing. It causes a psychological and emotional death in our lives, and therefore God, through time and regeneration from his spirit, can heal the damage caused to our psyche. So, I mean, uh, Augustine is a great author to read, you know, when the barbarians invaded Rome and and and raped a bunch of people, he writes to them and he says, you can be whole before God, and that that travesty that's happened in your life can be set right. It takes God's healing at work in your lives, and it takes that sort of long progression. So it's very easy when you talk about sexuality, as Krisan said, that all of a sudden all of us are looking like this because, like, I didn't do that. I'm not, I'm not perfect, I haven't done that properly. And you can feel very guilt-ridden. What 1 Corinthians 6 says is is that that guilt-ridden is what Paul's talking about as sitting against yourself. It's hurting your own psyche. And uh, I don't know about you, I have a hard time dieting, so but when I look at cake and I know I know what and fatty stuff, when I know that that that's death, it makes it easier for me not to eat it. Speaker 1: Hardening of the arteries. It's a big thing of hardening. Speaker: So when you look at them and go, that's a coronary attack waiting to happen. It's easier than when I say, boy, that looks good. So knowing that sexual sin causes death is one of the things that God can use in your life to help you avoid sexual sin. Flee sexual immorality. The other thing is, as Krisan talked about, sexual sins are very powerful. And because of that, they they they draw you in. And there are tons of warnings in Scripture about don't play with fire, you're going to get burned. And we kind of laugh at those. But those are serious. They are meant to be, you know, well, I won't, I won't have that problem. You know, it's sort of everyone's reaction. They're meant to be serious. They're meant to be flee sexual immorality, run the other way, because it is so easy to get sucked in and is so pervasive. Another way of saying this is the Holy Spirit convicts you to drive you back to God. Satan convicts you to drive you away from God. So Satan wants to convict you, and he wants to say, you know, until you get that area of your life straightened out, you should just not go to God. You should just avoid him until you get that area straightened out. And the Holy Spirit says, the only way you're ever going to get that straightened out is going back to God. So you've got that conviction, and that conviction is right natural, but then the question is, what do you do with it? Which way do you head? Do you head toward God or do you head away from God? The Holy Spirit wants you to head one, Satan is trying to use that to drive you to another. Okay. And then just 1 Thessalonians 4, very quickly. Um I'm just going to touch on verse 3, for this is the will of God, your sanctification, that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each one of you know how to control his own bodiness, body in holiness and honor, not in the passion and lust like the Gentiles who do not know God. That no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand. So you're meant for purity, and you're meant not to defraud your brothers and sisters in Christ. You're meant not to stir up those uh emotions before the time is right, and you're meant to find them in their proper place. So sexual sins are against ourselves. That's a great time for questions, and then we'll talk about coming to marriage. It's always embarrassing to ask questions on sexuality, but go ahead. Be bold, be brave. Anything we've covered so far? Speaker 1: If not, we'll be around afterwards. You can ask us. Speaker: Yeah, both our emails are on the front, so if you want to ask a question to both of us, copy us both. If you want to ask a his or her question, copy one of us. unknown: Okay. Speaker: Okay. Speaker 1: Oh, oh, a question. Yay, you're so brave. Speaker 2: Um how much is too much before marriage? Speaker: That's a great question. Speaker 2: I'm just talking about like uh, I mean, you know, of course, homosexual marriage. Speaker: Right. Wait, so how much is too much before marriage? From the talk, what would you for for from from Genesis and everything, what would you how would you answer from from Genesis? Speaker 1: They want you to answer. Yeah. Speaker 7: I mean, there's a couple of people there. One that I've always heard is not, you know, how close can you get, but how pure can you be? And then the whole thing that you said was if you know you're not going to end up being with this person to look your roommate in the eye and say, no, I'm not embarrassed until it gives you this woman as your wife. You know, like I think. Speaker: I I think those are all good answers. And what what's interesting is I mean the print the print the the answers just to repeat, the print the the answers were um to treat this person in a in a way in which you wouldn't be embarrassed if they married someone else, you could still be best friends with your roommate because you you've treated them that way. And uh and to ask not how much, but ask ask how pure. So I know couples who kissed on their wedding day, and that was the first kiss. I know couples like that. They're still happily married, have lots of kids. And uh and I know other, you know, other avenues toward marriage. The fact that you end up getting married at least justifies during the engagement period that you were kissing and acting like you were an engaged couple. I think there's a lot of answers, though, that may not be that helpful. I think the real answers from Song of Songs would be don't arouse or awaken love until the time pleases. So you could you could be completely chaste and not touch the other person ever, and you could arouse love by the way you're acting, and arouse this feeling of he's mine and and he's special, and he does these special things for me, and it's so romantic, and then he doesn't marry me and my heart's broken. And I think that would be defrauding a Christian sister without ever touching her. So I think you can arouse and awaken love in a way that's not helpful. I mean, the the blunt way is we're not yet engaged. So let's not get our hopes up that that's where we're headed until we're sure and let's come to the decision of marriage. So, do we have one other question? Yeah. Speaker 6: Um, so I you had to think about anything talking about it now. Um I was wondering what you all would think about um like if you don't consider yourself ready to be married, so forth doesn't really make sense in that sense. But you still have feelings, do you still you just wait and think it about a subtly thing? Speaker: Let me tell you, if you give this talk to junior high and high school, they're not ready to get married. Everyone in this room is ready to start considering marriage. You never feel ready. I will tell you that. You never feel ready for marriage. If you wait until you feel ready, you will never get married. Or you'll get married only because you realize that was a stupid thing to be waiting for. So I I can tell you, marriage is the adventure, but it's incredibly scary to throw your lot in with someone else, and it's it's back and forth there. But I I will I will say, you know, as we talk about you know some of the things about coming to the decision of marriage, that they you know, everyone will tell you you need to be 28 or 30 before you get married. So we got married at 21 and 22, and so we're still married. We tried to get married at 20 and 21, but um our three out of four parents said no. Yeah, we three out of four parents said, why don't you wait until you graduate? So and we decided to honor them, and uh, a few years after we've been married, my mom said, now aren't you glad? And my wife said, No. Speaker 1: We had a year and a half engagement, way too long. Speaker: We celebrated our negative one anniversary. That's very depressing. Speaker 1: A year from now we'll be married. No, I'm good. We didn't we don't recommend it. Speaker: So I would I would I would say I would say you should always be open to the possibility that God is calling you to marriage today. You should always be open to that. I mean, you're you're all you're all in a position where that could be a possibility, and so you ought to at least consider it. Yeah. Speaker 3: question is you're waiting for definite things, not just to say wait until you're ready, you're waiting for like definite things to be that direct to you. Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh what a great segue. That's what we're gonna talk about next. That's like the next topic on the agenda. Is now what? Okay, so now you've we've hopefully inspired you to evaluate your relationships in light of that chart and maybe ask am I in the wrong column or not. And if you might say now what if you don't have any real brother, sister in Christ relationships, that's where you start. Start pursuing them. Get to know people without the romance but start learning to make a real deep friendship. So reject the idea that marriage is not an option and or it's not necessary or you have to get your career first or you have to have a million dollars first or whatever it is. Um you'll wait forever for that one. So as you start developing these brother-sister relationships if the romantic feelings start coming or the closeness, let that raise the issue okay, should we consider this? Should we explore this? So the old movie question you know what are your intentions, young man, is a very appropriate question to ask at that point. It's not wrong to have the romantic feelings it's all in how you act on them. And if you have no intention of getting married ever and you act on them, you are defrauding your brother or your sister. Speaker: And that comes back to your question and that is if what you're waiting for could not be shared with your spouse, then you're not ready for marriage. So if you're waiting, like if you're gonna serve two years military duty in an active combat zone, now's not the time necessarily to get married because you can't really fulfill your vows. Speaker 1: On the other hand, if you're gonna I mean it it depends on the people but that's an example. Speaker: But I mean if if if you're gonna if you're gonna go to graduate school and you're or you're gonna start a job or you don't have enough money, you can have you can not have enough money together, believe me, we've been there. And it's a lot more fun to not have any money together than to be broken all alone. So at least something's going right in your in your life. Speaker 1: We went to graduate school together too we did we did all our own things. Speaker: We moved to Eugene Oregon in 1982 35% unemployment we were looking for jobs and it was on the front cover of Time magazine as one of the two worst hit cities in the entire economy in the 82 recession. So and then we were trying to go to school and we signed a year's lease on an apartment you can have all those troubles together. It's actually a lot of fun a lot more fun having it together than just having all that by yourself. So so I think I think that's the question is is are you waiting for something that you have to get and that someone else couldn't share in or could someone else actually share in that with you? And you know there's a lot of hardships that sharing it together actually works a lot better.